Have you ever been stuck in a place that you couldn't quite put a name to, a place of discontent? of discouragement? of unsettled restlessness?
I've been in that place - I am in that place. I'm not happy in this place so I dwell on it, trying to put my finger on the why's, the how''s, and the when's of it - as in, when am I going to get out of this? There is nothing worse, for me, than to be in a discontented state of mind with no real sense of how I got here. It drives me insane - it usually happens after a time of great joy and anticipation and then BAM! I'm in a state of unrest. I could blame it on Satan - he does seem to like to pick on joy-filled people - but that seems wrong to me. At some point in my joy-filled, hopeful period, I left some room for the opposite of that. Does that mean my joy was incomplete? My hope, a false hope? Or is there something else going on in my mind, in my makeup? As a Christian, you hear about the mountain tops and the valleys in our walk, there are scriptures that recount the same thing, so it's common. but I can't let it stop at that. Just because it's common doesn't mean I get to wallow in it or that I get to just "ride it out".I have to figure out why it happens so that perhaps the next time, I can forego this place of discontent.
In analyzing my thought-life, I've come to an unsettling conclusion. In my joy-filled, hopeful state, I maintain expectations - expectations that people will rise up to where they should be, and a second expectation that doesn't sit well with me: that God will act in the ways that I think He will. For those of you that know me, the first expectation doesn't surprise you - nor does how I get discouraged when that expectation goes unmet. It's a given- people will sometimes rise up and exceed all expectations and sometimes they fail and they fail Big. I can live with that, I do live with that. I've failed my own expectations for myself enough times that I have a pretty good understanding of it. I may not like it - but I have empathy for it.
The second expectation is what unsettles me. I know, in my head, that God works in His own ways, in His own time and, most of the time, it is vastly different than how you, or I, could even imagine. I get that, I've experienced that. I've been surprised and awed every time He does what He does. So why? Why do I still feel this way? To have unresolved expectations when it comes to God is kind of silly, isn't it? When I know that He will do what He will do, in His time and in ways that make me worship Him and praise His name. Why do I still feel let down when my hope for how He'll do things gets dashed?
I don't have the answer....surprised?
I may not have the answers, but I do have a desire. A desire that I not miss what God is doing while I wallow in my unmet expectations of how He'll do it. My desire is that I open my eyes and my heart to see what God is doing now, today - and not get so caught up in why He's not doing what I thought He would.
My prayer is that I live in a constant state of eager anticipation of the unknowable ways of GOD and be content and full of the joy that only He can bring. The only way I can see to do that is to remember: Remember what He's done before. Remember the awe I felt in seeing His work. Remember, simply, that He is.
